Definition

The Perlman and Peplau definition of loneliness (commonly used in academia and public policy) is:

“‘a subjective, unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship. It happens when we have a mismatch between the quantity and quality of social relationships that we have, and those that we want.”

I like this definition for several reasons:

• It makes a difference whether or not our solitude is welcome or not. Some people are okay on their own – they have a low desire for company, and value their own time.  Others feel the lack of social connection acutely.

• It differentiates between quantity and quality of social relationships.  You might live in a busy houseshare, or spend time every day in a hectic workplace.  But if those relationships aren’t giving you the quality of care and attention you are looking for then they can feel insufficient. 

• It recognises the importance of what we want from relationships. Some of that relates to our inner needs (to be seen, to be loved, to be accepted, to be comforted) and some of it relates to social expectations of relationships.  It’s easy to pick up messages about what our friendships, and romantic and sexual relationships should look like through the media.  And then feel deficient because your life looks different. 

Potential causes

Sometimes events or circumstances make it more likely that a person will become lonely – this includes relationship breakdown, moving to a new place or country, becoming ill, experiencing bullying or abuse etc.  Sometimes the reasons for loneliness can be less obvious. 

Relationship to health

There is also a lot of academic and public policy interest in loneliness, which often focuses on the relationship between loneliness and physical health outcomes.  You might have seen headlines about loneliness being as dangerous for your physical health as smoking. There is some evidence that loneliness, particularly chronic loneliness, can worsen your health outcomes. It’s not clear that this is a causal relationship, as worsening health and disabilities also can make it harder to see people and to connect with them. The experience of loneliness can be so hard to bear, that a person may look to other ways to numb their feelings or distract themselves, including overuse of drugs and alcohol and other self-harm activities.